[منى هلال]

3

At night, after I made sure everyone was asleep, I took out a small notebook from my schoolbag. My teacher told us to write some notes about our lessons at home and at school. There were still lots of blank pages in it. I decided to use the second half. This won’t interfere with my school notes; besides the school year was nearly over anyway.0

I turned the dim light in my room on, and sat at the edge of my bed. I was careful not to make any noise. I was so worried Soha might wake up crying and my stepmother would wake up and scold me.0

I started thinking about everything that happened to me since I started making sense of what’s around me. I was living with my paternal grandmother. They had taken me away from my mother when her family refused to send her back to my father. She was divorced when I was still inside her tummy.0

My heart is beating faster now!0

What if my stepmother woke up now and saw me writing in my diary?0

I don’t even know what a diary is, but my friend Tala told me how she writes everything in her diary for the future.0

I liked the idea; and here I am writing in my own diary when everyone is asleep.0

Frankly what made me start writing today was my stepmother’s reaction when I was watching that girl with the colorful dress on TV. I felt heart-broken. If she were my own mother, she wouldn’t have done this. She would’ve left me to watch that girl for as long as I wanted to. She would’ve even bought me that same beautiful dress and satin ribbons too. I would wear them and look beautiful just like that girl. I would stand in front of the screen, dance to the music and my mother would clap with happiness.0

Oh, mother! Why did you leave me to my stepmother?0

Why did you and father use me as punishment to inflict on each other?0

Here I am alone with no one to feel my pain … my grandmother was much kinder than my stepmother. Well, at least she was afraid of my dad. She knew how much he loved me, and how he would get angry if someone upset me. In spite of all that, I cared too much for him to tell him about the things that used to upset me during his absence.0

I will sleep now because my heart is aching and my eyes are burning from want of sleep.0